And we'll meet at the end of the tour

So, that was the Web Mission that was. A 'wrap' as Mike Butcher puts it - and what larks the last provided.

There's just a bit of last tidying up to do...

I've asked Clift whether they mind me publishing their email (and of course my reply) so we'll see - otherwise I'll I have to paraphrase. Watch this space. Also, there's one more round-up to come from Robert Loch. Judging by intitial reports it'll be well worth waiting for. Again, keep an eye on the other blog for that.

As for me, I'm getting ready to fly (via New York for a few fours) back to London. If you've tolerated this blog then you might want to continue to follow me over at All Just Words which includes my long-overdue report on my drinking binge with Sarah Lacy. Full details of her inappropriately-sized dogs gimmick plus a quote (from me) about Jason Calacanis being a dick and a note from Jason in the comments. What's not to love?

It's been a blast, America. So long and thanks for all the fish tacos.

Day Four, Part II - Fake reporting and ludicrously large play pens

Greetings from Terminal 6 of John Fitzgerald Kennedy airport - twice voted airport most likely to have broken aircon and slow-as-shit wireless. I'm not going to tell you which way my own vote was cast in that particular contest.

I have three Very Important things to blog today - and about an hour to do it in, so let's start with the most important - day four of the Web mission.

Of course, me being in New York and, in a few hours, Boston, presents certain difficulties when writing a blog about an event in San Francisco (although if Pete Cashmore can blog from Aberdeen and Sam Sethi can post from Coventry then anything's possible).

But all is not lost - intrepid WM Fringester Robert Loch (he of Recommend Box and barred from the Clift fame, has agreed to take over the reins in his own inimitable style.

And so, without further ado, here's Robert's gonzo account of Day Four. Which begins with pie.

...

The day started, as all days should, with an excellent Chicken Pie at The Big 4 hotel. Fringe pros know not to get up early because nothing interesting happens before 12pm.

Fueled up, off we went to Web 2.0 Expo, where the highlight was myself and Pete Ward, founder of WAYN, pretending to work for The Telegraph and interviewing iJustine for a piece on fringe events. (Fake reporting could become a regular part of the fringe). Excited after our interview we climbed two, two lane escalators, to watch the keynote and stayed long enough for Tim O'Reilly to tell a story about/shamelessly plug one of his companies. That was enough for us so we went off to the Web Expo Blogatron bar area to drink and play Wii. As journalist from the Telegragh we were most welcome.

Next on the agenda was the Web Mission drinks and nibbles at the Bebo office. They'd finished installing the £30K sound system in the DJ booth so there was music. The drink was plentiful and food excellent, all enjoyed in their cafe / play area which makes up 1/3 of their 35,000 square feet office. When it was time to go Michael Birch, founder of Bebo, did his impression of a pub landlord and chucked us all out and Oli told us we were off to the Unofficial Web Mission party at Slide.

I'd actually been put in charge of organising the venue, which I had delegated to Michael Birch, because he needs stuff to do now. He Web 2.0 delegated to Jonathan Abrams, founder of Friendster and owner of Slide, who delegated it to their events guy Reggie, who I found out at the door had delegated it to my imaginary son who he spoke to after getting the international dialing code wrong. When I arrived at the door and was told that he'd spoken to my son but didn't understand him because my dog was barking, I was relieved that somehow we'd still managed to secure the venue.

I love Slide because it has a slide that you can use instead of the entry stairs. Watching Oli Barrett come down it at surprising pace was a true joy. The unofficial party drinks were sponsored by Sun who we now really like because the fringe is easily bought.

Next on the agenda for the night was the Mashable party, which I can't report on because I got distracted and ended in The Clift, doing a spot check on their staff. When i caught up with the fringe gang later in Pine Street diner I was informed that the event was excellent, though slightly downbeat as Pete Cashmore was missing me.

...

Thanks Robert! Later: that email from the Clift and Paul Carr goes drinking with Sarah Lacy and wins a bet about unicorns.

Brevity is the soul of shit

A hell of a day today, all told, and I have to be on a flight to Boston in a few hours for Roflcon. No time there for one of my trademark rambling posts. Instead, a few bullet points from the Digg party last night...

1) There was a unicorn there. Apparently he dislikes Sarah Lacy, which is slightly odd given that unicorns love everyone. I mentioned this to Sarah this evening and we ended up having a discussion about She-Ra. This resulted in a bizarre bet and an inscribed book. Details to follow.

2) Also Tim Ferris, Kevin Rose, Pete Cashmore (nach), iJustine, Michael Arrington etc etc etc.

3) There was Rock Band in a side room.

4) A load of Web Missioners made it along including Mike Butcher who took some great photographs for posterity.

5) Apart from that it was exactly the same as every other dot com party you've ever been to.

Here's the unicorn, dancing...



Tonight saw the Mashable party at the same venue as Digg, which shows remarkable - something. Also the Bebo party. Unfortunately all manner of madness this evening kept me away, locked in a bar in the Mission, but the word on the tweet is that the former was 'great but a bit weird' and the latter was 'cool'. A better report tomorrow from Robert Loch who will be taking over reporting duties for the remainder of Web Mission.

Watch over at AllJustWords for coverage of Roflcon. It's going to be a ball. But for me from San Francisco, it's goodnight, goodbye and good luck Web Missioners.

...

PS: A quick apology to Paul Walsh. That error message in the Clift hotel post was found by him. See details on his excellent blog here. Also, I've had an email from the Clift! More soon.

Day three: Those who are Glasshousers should throw more events

We begin day three with some housekeeping. First of all, apologies to Sokratis Papafloratos from Trusted Places whose name I spelt wrongly yesterday. Sorry Socks.

Although in my defence, I did go to the hugely responsible journalistic length of Googling him and cutting and pasting the spelling from the first result I found.

Also, a couple of people mailed to point out that Stewart Townsend from Sun did take the initiative on the first night of The Clift Hotel and sponsored not one but two tables. Kudos, Sir.
...

And so to day three of the Web Mission Fringe and, if there's a correlation between time spent getting to the bar and the overall success of an event, the organisers of the Blurb meet-up and the Love 2.0 event last night should be feeling pretty bloody pleased with themselves.

The Blurb event in particular was so crowded that it might be the only place in the world where you could get DVT while standing.

Still - that's the problem when you advertise that an event will be attended by two companies that attract fan boys by the million (Moo and Flickr). Lucky Apple weren't co-hosts as well - the building would have exploded. If not the entire world.

The Love 2.0 event was a little weird too - not least because it finished at 11pm. A singles night that finished at 11pm. Think that through for a second (they hadn't). The formula for a decent singles night in London is simple...

1) Have booze.
2) Stay open late enough for people to drink it.
3) Ensure enough drunken couplings result to ensure great word of mouth for next time.

One leads to two leads to three. Job done.

Booze they had - free booze in fact - which was an excellent start. But given that most people didn't turn up until 9:30, there was only an hour to drink anything and meet people before last orders were called. Unless the room was packed with absolute sluts and man-whores (it wasn't - these are Americans and there are rules) then there's no chance of even getting someone's number. Cue hundreds of disappointed San Franciscans being herded out into the night, unlaid and unimpressed.

Of course the WM Fringers had it figured. We rolled up at 9:30 after the Glasshouse event (more on that in a second), assessed the situation and decided to drink the free bar dry before dragging as many people as we could to a much cooler bar across the street for the main event. In other words, we Fringed a fringe event. Cue drinking 'til two in relaxed surroundings with a great crowd and then finishing the night with a huge American breakfast in the Pinecrest diner. Super.

...

So - yes - Glasshouse. It was an absolutely astounding success. Michael Birch from Bebo AOL an island in the south pacific in conversation with Jim Buckmaster from Craig's List.

Michael - if you haven't seen him speak - is a brilliant interviewee. He doesn't really reveal anything of course, but he does it with panache and wit so you almost don't notice. I won't spoil the fun for when the footage of the evening is published (watch this space), sufficed to say that Michael's explanation for the huge success of Bebo was simply "my brilliance."

But seriously folks, it was a really informative hour of so of discussion between two people who really know their stuff and who - more importantly - don't take themselves too seriously. That tends to lead to much more candid information - as indeed it did - although the fact that both men were drinking throughout (yay Brits and hippies!) did help.

Also delightful were the free bar and the best canapes I've had in a very long time. They had an entire shellfish table, for fuck's sake. Main course appetisers before the main event and then tiny desserts afterwards. And a free bar throughout. Eleven out of ten.

With the great presentation, the free booze and the great food, it's no wonder the caliber of attendees was so high. Web Missioners were there in force, of course, but there were also plenty of journalists (Sarah Lacy - still suffering from 'borderline pneumonia' - was a no-show and it's still weird to hear Pete Cashmore's British accent IRL) as well as plenty of serious players to meet and greet.

The only piece of advice I have for the organisers - if I had to be ungrateful enough to offer one - would be to work a little bit harder on the way the sponsor is pitched. "HSBC is genuinely passionate about talking to entrepreneurs." That line was used maybe half a dozen times in the intro and it took every ounce of my strength not to revert back to school assembly and hide the word "BULLSHIT" behind a loud cough.

"HSBC is as genuinely passionate about entrepreneurs as a multi-billion dollar enormous faceless corporate behemoth can possibly be."

Still, they paid for the brilliant booze and food so I'll give them a pass. In fact, I might even open a current account.

...

So, to today. The Web Missioners spent the morning pitching to VCs at Heller Ehrman and then on to Google for an impromptu tour. I'll leave TCUK to give the official review but the backchannel says that there were some really great - and genuinely interesting - pitches. A great success, then, at least on that front.

Also the trip involved another ride on a coach, allowing Oli to relive his days as a Butlin's redcoat. Hi de hi Web Missioners.

...

So - tonight the Fringe event of choice is the Digg Meet Up. Mighty on Utah Street from 6:30pm. It'll be rammed to the roof with fan boys of course but there are going to be some actual humans 2.0 there too. A really good crowd, if Twitterings are anything to go by.

Be there or be thumbed down.

Clift notes: how I learned to stop tipping and hate the Clift

"403 Forbidden: The server understood the request, but is refusing to fulfill it." - Web error message when using WiFi at the Clift Hotel (really)

"Money can't buy me love." The Beatles sure as hell knew what they were talking about when they sang those lyrics. They were talking about a stay in The Clift Hotel - the official hotel of Web Mission 08.

My God, it's fucking abysmal.

Before I say any more, you should know this about me: I was born into hotels. Literally. My parents have spent their entire careers - a combined career of some 80 years - working in hotels. The day after I was born, they carried me, in a little basket, back to the two-story suite in the hotel they were working in in Dunfirmline, Scotland. I lived there - in that hotel - until I was three. My first solid food was eaten in a hotel restaurant. My first worm was half-eaten in a hotel garden. My first Diet Coke was drunk (perhaps not entirely legally) in a hotel bar. At the age of three, we moved to Luton and lived for a year, while our house was being renovated, in the penthouse of the Strathmore Hotel. I did my first piece of homework on a hotel dining table. In subsequent years I have spent more hours living in, staying in, eating in and drinking in hotels than you can possibly imagine. And for the last two months, I've been living in - where else? - hotels.

In other words, hotels: I know.

And so please understand the weight I put on these words: the Clift Hotel is the worst hotel I have ever had the vomit-covered misfortune of spending time in. And I can say that despite the fact that I don't even have a fucking room there.

Instead, I have - over the last four days - had the pleasure of eating and drinking there on maybe five separate occasions. And each one has made me feel that - no matter how much it's the centre of Web Mission activity, and how much I wanted to hang out with people who were there - I would gladly give my left lung not to have to spend another second within those God forsaken walls.

Woo - steady on there Paul. Explain youself.

Oh, don't worry, I will.

The reasons are two fold: the price and the staff.

There's the killer, you see. You can get away with having shit staff - just about - if you are a low budget hotel. Charge me $60 a night and I'll accept that occasionally they'll forget to service my room or they'll miss a wake up call or they'll snarl at me with contempt when I order a drink at five minutes after closing.

Likewise, you can get away with being expensive if you have the staff of legends. The waitress whose smile as she hands you an overpriced Mojito makes you feel better than had you just received the best blowjob of your life. The bartender who greets you by name and asks you "the usual?" on night two. The concierge who tells you where the best after-hours bars are and gets you on the guestlist, and then still looks embarrassed accepting a tip. Give me those guys and I'll overlook the fact that the blowjob Mojito cost me $100.

BUT BUT BUT - if you tick both of those shit-boxes - hellish staff, hellish prices - then it's game over. Rest in peace. Fuck right off.

And the Clift can fuck right off. On the first night my group (I hasten to add not me personally) spent a combined total of $3000, give or take, on dinner and drinks for, maybe, five people. That's a fair chunk of change by anyone's standards. And yet, immediately after finishing dinner (good by normal standards - faultless even -but far too small for the price), we were told to clear the restaurant because they were closing. In fact what happened was we tried to order an after-dinner drink, only to be told "it'll have to be your last as we're closing."

Fuck you.

We decided to retire to the bar instead and headed for the door that connected the restaurant to the bar. Our way was blocked by a doorman. A doorman! Inside! Sorry, this is the exit, you'll have to go around. "What?"

"You'll have to go around."

"But we just want to step maybe ten paces to through to the bar."

"Then you'll have to go around."

Fuck you.

We then went back to reclaim our (booked) drink table (one of our party having already spent $900 on pre-dinner Champagne) only to find it had been given away to another group. Not to worry though - the waitress simply went over to the hapless interlopers and threw them out. Brilliant.

Fuck them.

...

Jesus, you know what, life's too short to detail the bad experiences that followed over the next few days, so here's a list of just a few highlights...

1) One of our number was visiting town for a job interview and the company had paid for her room in advance. All totally paid for - so much so that she had been able to leave her credit card at home. In Europe. She was refused check in - "you have to give us a credit card." She wasn't even allowed to use the house phone to call her benefactor ("it's for guests only") and was left stranded until Paul Walsh kindly bailed her out.

Fuck you.

2) On the day that Web Mission arrived in town, a group of us met in the lobby and ordered appetisers and drinks ($150 right there). As the group expanded (along with the bill), we dragged over an extra chair from the surrounding tables. At which point a waitress marched over asking "can I have my chair?" "Er.. ok, where would you like it?" we asked, baffled."Where you found it."

Fuck you.

3) On night two, one of the group ordered a $350 bottle of vodka to secure a table for Web Missioners. The moment - the second it was finished, they handed him the bill, cleared away the remaining mixers (some of us - myself included - weren't drinking that night so were happy to finish off the cranberry juice; it's good for the bladder, apparently). They then made it clear they needed the table.

Fuck you.

4) One of our group (mentioning no names: *cough* Robert Loch) was threatened with being barred because he asked if he and his party (who were guests of two hotel residents) could be allowed five minutes to finish their drinks. The reply: "I've told you all twice to leave."

Fuck you.

It goes on, and on. Really it does. Fuck you after fuck you after fuck you. And these are only the events I've witnessed. I feel nothing but pity for the Web Mission folks who are stuck there for the week, unable to leave. Like some hideous twist on Hotel California.

The Clift is part of the group that owns the Hudson and the Sanderson - two hotels that, while expensive, exemplify the ideal service-quality venn diagram. And yet the Clift is dire.

I can only assume it's a problem at the top. Given my parents' professions, it takes a lot for me to hurl hot shit at a hotel general manager. They do a tough job and it's impossible to know what pressures they have behind the scenes. But they also - the good ones at least - also try to hire staff in their image.

And on that basis alone, I can only assume the Clift is managed by a greedy, humo(u)rless chimp who would shit in your martini as soon as serve it. And would still expect a tip if he did.

So - and I don't say this lightly - fuck him, fuck his prices and his standards and fuck the Clift.

Can't we all just get along?

(Update: Tonight's Glasshouse event is actually gloriously free. Yay.)

Uh-oh. There's discord in the A List ranks.

It seems that Ryan at Carsonified has a few issues with Web Mission - essentially that it looks to outsiders like British start-ups are coming cap-in-hand to the Americans because we just can't cut it on our own.

Lend-lease 2.0, if you like.

Mike Butcher has posted a spirited rebuttal on TCUK, pointing out that there's a difference between visiting the Valley and building a house here. The former allows UK entrepreneurs to explore 'synergies' (urk) with their SF counterparts - and vice versa - while the latter, I agree, would suggest that the UK can't manage on its own.

Now, Paul Walsh's Qik coverage notwithstanding, I have no idea what's being said behind closed doors at the official events, but certainly at the fringe parties and coincidental social encounters, there hasn't been a peep about relocation or begging. Well - apart from a few people pondering out loud about the weak dollar meaning one can live in a four star hotel here and eat like a king for less than the rent on a flat in East Dulwich. But that was largely from me.

I do agree with both Mike and Ryan on one thing though - there should be events like this back home in London. There should also be more companies who took the initiative and hopped on a plane themselves knowing that, even if they couldn't visit Google or sup Techcrunch champagne at the official receptions, there are a shit load of other things going on at the same time, especially with Web 2.0 in town.

The Moo/Flickr party, for example, or Glasshouse with Michael Birch and Jim Buckmaster, or even Love 2.0. And those are just the events happening tonight.

Like so many other conventions and festivals and symposiums, some of the most useful and creative thinking happens in the Fringe events - the stuff that grows around the central platform. There should at least be an unofficial event in London to coincide - perhaps with a live link up or two, time zones permitting. But that's not the responsibility of the SF trip organisers - it's the responsibility of those sitting in the UK bitching.

There should be more UK startups here doing there own Fringe events - I am astounded that no one had the idea to sponsor a series of after parties at a dingy bar near the Web Mission hotel for when the day's official programme ends. Qik got an astounding amount of instant goodwill the other evening when Bhaskar Roy simply bought a bottle of vodka in the Clift.

Perhaps if people who cringe at Web Mission were to change their thinking slightly. To stop seeing the event as a closed garden that many (including me and at least a dozen of the people here) weren't invited to and more of a platform on which unofficial applications can be built, they might feel more comfortable rallying around it. Creating their own events that take advantage of the fact that - for one week only - there are a ton of Brit tech entrepreneurs in San Francisco, talking to each other and to American counterparts.

If they could do that then we might see the start of a beautiful trans-Atlantic relationship.

So, for those who feel like kicking it off fringe-stylee the WM Fringe kicks off tonight at the Flickr and Moo pre-Web 2.0 meet up. All are welcome. Then it's Glasshouse and Love 2.0. The former requires advance registration and payment - although it's free to register - and the latter just needs a Facebook RSVP.

Ok - forgive the rattled-off post. I'm off for cheesecake at the top of Macy's. But before I go, just in case any of the Web Missioners are considering abandoning the old country for pastures New Media, I'll leave you with my top five reasons why you really wouldn't want to relocate to the Bay Area.

1) They insist on serving tea with lemon. "Milk sir? I suppose we might have some out the back."

2) Your accent means people expect you to be smart and witty. Constantly coming up with bons mots is exhausting. There is also the risk of becoming a caricature just to please the locals. I am currently oscillating between Hugh Grant and Stewie from the Family Guy.

3) Everything cool is at the top of a very steep hill (the Clift is at the bottom of one).

4) There are sharks here.

5) And earthquakes.


Right! Cheesecake!

Day Two: just another manic Sunday

"The thing about Brits is that you guys are far less controversial than people in the US"

In hindsight that was Sarah Lacy's first mistake, given that she was talking to me and Robert Loch.

Her second mistake was allowing me to shoot video as Robert set out to prove her wrong by telling a joke that ended with the punchline "at least your party trick isn't a double headed blowjob."

You had to be there. 'There' being the barbeque at Brian Solis' house (co-hosted with Stephanie Agresta) to reunite SXSWers and welcome Web 2.0ers, Web Missioners and anyone else who happened to bumble in to town.

Of course Oli has forbidden me from posting the clip on YouTube so, keen to remain welcome at his parties, I will of course comply.

Oh, ok then, just the punchline...



Sarah left very shortly afterwards.

Other guests at the event included Techcrunch's own Michael Arrington and Mike Butcher, Michael Birch from Bebo and countless other Michaels. Also Paul Birch, Paul Walsh, myself and countless other Pauls. Ben Metcalfe was, as far as I could tell, the only Ben, ditto Sokratis Papfloratos from Trusted Places as both the only Sokratis and the only Greek founder of a London-based local review site - and I'm still not convinced that the guy who invented the CueCat was really called, as he claimed, Dave Mathews.

Food, for those who you who care about such things, included some delicious sausages and corn on the cob. Music (a mixed bag of live bands - some who rawked, others who failed to rawk) was sponsored BAGel Radio.

There was also a tiny little dog, just running the hell around like some kind of demented barking cat. Photos of that, and more, on Flickr.

...

Prior to the barbeque, Web Missioners enjoyed a brunch at the home of Craig's List's Jim Buckmaster, affording them various Casual Encounters with a variety of entrepreneurs from both sides of the pond. Of course, this being the technology sector, the encounters were largely M4M. More details on that over at TCUK.

...

Speaking of tech journalists who are usually at these things - where the heck is Jemima Kiss?

Jemima?

...

Tomorrow, the sensible Web Missioners are taking a trip to Oracle - where hopefully they will get the chance to play with Larry Ellison's fighter jets - and afterwards those of us who got game will be heading to the Love 2.0 singles event.

As far as anyone can tell, Love 2.0 is basically like a normal singles night but with '2.0' bolted on the end to allow entrepreneurs to expense their drinks.

See you there. Mine's a Mohito 2.0.